Gravitational Collapse
by Fantony
Summary: “Gravitational collapse of a star occurs at the end of its lifetime, also called the death of a star”. A charity concert, a desperate fan, four bullets in the back and Shindo Shuichi is no more. Story of a broken heart.
1. Chapter 1

Plot: A charity concert, a desperate fan, four balls in the back and Shindo Shuichi is no more. Candles, flowers, poems… but above all, a broken heart.

Disclaimer: No, I still don't own Gravitation!!

Note: This fanfiction has been inspired by John Lennon's death, and by astronomy: _**"Gravitational collapse of a star occurs at the end of its lifetime, also called the death of a star"**_ (source: Wikipedia)

Just bear in mind I'm French, hence the English mistakes! ;-)

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**GRAVITATIONAL COLLAPSE**

"_Oshita Kyoko, sixteen, gave herself up to the police __just after the tragic event of yesterday evening. The teenage girl confessed the policemen she shot Shindo Shuichi because her love for Bad Luck's singer was beyond words and she couldn't stand anymore the fact he would never be hers. She waited for the band to get out of Zepp Tokyo clubhouse after yesterday's huge charity concert and asked Shuichi-san for an autograph before getting a gun out of her bag and shooting him four times in the back. The death of the young singer, made public yesterday evening just before midnight, lets thousands of fans all over the country in total dismay. Our reporter, Ayata Shunsuke, is in Tokyo tonight. Fans have gathered around the clubhouse, lightening candles and singing Bad Luck songs. Some have crossed the country today to pay tribute to their idol, laying down flowers, poems, messages and pictures around the place Shuichi tumbled twenty-four hours ago. Shunsuke-san, can you hear us?"_

I switch off the TV. Sixteen… I was the same age as her when I pushed the trigger of the gun with both thumbs. I still remember the horrible noise of the detonation. It will echo in my head forever. Will it echo in her head too? She has deprived me from my reason for living, and while I'm boiling with anger at the simple mention of her name, I can't help but feel for the girl. She took his life, but she ruined hers at the same time. She will never be the same again. She will never be pure and innocent again. She'll have to learn to live with what she's done. Shuichi's shade will always hang over her, like Kitazawa's always had over me. It'll be her burden and her constant reminder of the past.

I glanced at my watch. Twenty to midnight. At that same time yesterday, the phone rang and I moaned, blaming whoever it was for disturbing me while I was writing and getting very inspired. I thought it was him. Calling to say the concert went ok and that he was out with Nakano and Fujisaki to some odd Tokyo pub and wouldn't come back before the early hours of the morning. But it wasn't him, it was Seguchi.

"_Eiri-san…"_

His voice was trembling and didn't have its usual confidence. I knew from the tone of it that something bad had happened, but I hadn't imagined my whole life would have collapsed the following seconds.

"_Something__'s just happened to Shindo-san"_

"_Something?"_

"_He's been shot"_

_Those three__ syllables stabbed me in the heart. _

"_What do you mean, he's been shot?" I asked in a cracked voice._

_Tohma burst into tears. _

"_Oh, Eiri, I'm so sorry. Rescuers were there within minutes, but it was too late…"_

A few minutes later, I was driving to the hospital, my foot somehow stuck on the accelerator. I needed to see him to believe Tohma's words. I was hoping that there had been some odd mistake, that it wasn't _my_ Shuichi. But then I saw the journalists around the hospital, and I saw their faces when I entered the hall. Seguchi, Mika, Hiro, Suguru, Sakano. All blank. And then I saw him, and I saw the white sheets covered in blood. His blood. Those lavender eyes that will never open again. That mouth that will never sing again. Never kiss me again. I let myself fall onto the white tiled floor, next to his bed, and buried my face into his pale neck. His skin was so cold. _"It can't be…"_ I whispered. _"Remember that day in New-York? You said you'd never let me go away from you, but what if you go away from me now, you damn brat?! This just isn't fair! You didn't have the right to do that!"_ I burst into tears and it felt like it would never stop. I lifted up my head and gazed at him. "What am I gonna become without you, can you tell me?" I screamed, shaking him. _"Eiri-san…"_ Seguchi had kneeled down next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. I winced and threw myself into his arms, crying my heart out.

I chase away that thought and stare at his mug on the coffee table. It is still half full of the tea he poured himself yesterday afternoon, as he was sitting next to me, jabbering endlessly while I was trying to concentrate on my last novel. I still haven't made up my mind to put the mug into the dishwasher. I take it in my hands and bring it to my mouth. I press my lips against the edge of it, where he pressed his yesterday, and close my eyes. I know this is stupid, but somehow it gives me the feeling to kiss him again. Taste his lips. Stay close to him.

"_This is my favourite mug from when I was a little kid"_

Damn brat. I remember that day as if it was yesterday, and yet it seems like an eternity ago. I want to go back in time. I want to open the door and see him beaming again in the doorway, carrying his whole life on his back in an enormous bag.

"_Pleaaaase, I just wanna be close to you!!"_

I let him break into my life and make a complete mess of it. I smile. I liked this mess. It was supposed to be just for one week, but somehow he managed to tame the wild animal I had become such a long time ago and to make me wish he'd stay forever.

I look at his picture on the front-page of today's newspaper. I trace the contours of his face with my fingers. I brush them against his smile. Shuichi. Tears run down my cheeks and I don't even try to fight them back. What would he say if he saw me bawling like that?

"_Six years?? You really are cool, Yuki! I cry once a day! You're so totally cool!!"_

I'll never forget the way he laughed that day. That annoying but yet adorable laughter will never fill the house again, but it will never leave my heart.

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_To be continued…_

_Thanks for reading! __:)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Plot:** A charity concert, a desperate fan, four balls in the back and Shindo Shuichi is no more. Candles, flowers, poems… but above all, a broken heart.

**Disclaimer:** No, I still don't own Gravitation!!

**Note:** This fanfiction has been inspired by John Lennon's death, and by astronomy: _**"Gravitational collapse of a star occurs at the end of its lifetime, also called the death of a star"**_ (source: Wikipedia)

You will probably recognize some sentences that i've borrowed from the anime/books.

In Japan, the **Otsuya **is the wake that takes place just before a person's funeral. It can be held at home or at funeral parlours.

_Please, bear in mind I'm French, hence the English mistakes! ;-)_

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Leaning against the temple's wall, I light a cigarette and take a long drag. Threatening grey clouds fill the sky and rain is pouring down in a sweet melody. Perfect weather for a funeral day. I stare blankly at the raindrops falling into a pool a few feet away from me, somehow hypnotized by the ripples they make when they contact the water. I feel like it's raining inside me too and my heart has sunk into a mud puddle.

"Eiri-san… How come you didn't attend the Otsuya ceremony yesterday? Mika and I tried to call you a hundred times… We were worried about you…" Seguchi takes me out of my torpor.

I shrug, exhaling a long line of smoke.

"I didn't want to"

And I really mean it. It is as simple as that. I didn't want to go. Just like I didn't want to come here today either. The whole thing seems so unreal. I can't face it. Not yet. I look up and meet Tohma's turquoise eyes. He is staring at me with a look of utter compassion which I almost find annoying.

"I understand" He replies in a soft voice, placing a black gloved hand on my cheek. It dawns on me that he is on the verge of crying and I narrow my eyes. "I'll see you inside," he whispers.

I nod and he enters the temple. I had expected more than that from Tohma. Questions, reproaches, anger maybe. For once, I would have greeted them almost happily. They would have made me come back to reality.

Sakuma is the last one to arrive. His chauffeur gets out of the car first and opens the door for him, holding out an umbrella. Sakuma stops just in front of me, and tells his chauffeur to wait for him in the car. He then turns to me and takes off his black sunglasses to look at me straight in the eye. For a few seconds, he doesn't say a word but his eyes speak for him. They glitter with tears he is fighting back. I've never seen such a serious and painful expression on his face. He just seems to be a complete different person from the dumbass he usually is. He takes a deep breath and gets a folded paper out of his pocket. He unfolds it and holds it to me. I glance at it. There's an ugly little guy drawn on it with what looks like a sun around him.

"This is for you. Shuichi drew that last year. I did the sun though. He gave it back to me some months ago, but I thought you might want it because he always said it meant a lot to him" He pauses and bites his lower lip nervously. "Shu-chan made the sparkly reach out, Yuki. He wanted to surpass me and he did. He reached heights I would have never thought someone could have reached. I had waited my entire career for something like that to happen. Thanks to him, I can now move on to something else… I'll never forget his voice, and I'll never forget the day I heard him sing for the first time. It was like a revelation…" He swallows hard. "I still can't believe what happened". I had never thought him capable of such significant words. He shakes his head and before he enters the temple, I see a little drop shining on his cheek. I take a last glance at the drawing before folding it into the inside pocket of my jacket. Then his drawings were nearly as bad as his lyrics. I nearly smile at the thought and finally enter the temple too.

There aren't a lot of us. Just family and close friends. Tatsuha is standing by my side. We've exchanged a few looks and even if he doesn't say anything, I know he understands my pain and it is more than I could have asked for. He's the only one who doesn't look at me with embarrassment, not knowing what to do, what to say and ending up babbling some supposedly comforting words which only make me feel even more ill-at-ease. He knows, that's all.

The old bald priest rambles about death and life. Words and praises are said and incense is burnt, making my headache even worse. Silence is only broken by sobs. He wouldn't have wanted this. Music was his life and his life was music, so how come his death can be so quiet? I don't feel in the right place. I just can't stand the whole thing. I hate it. I make my way outside and I can feel all eyes are on me. I don't care. I won't stay here any longer. _Will you ever forgive me that, Shuichi?_

When I get out of the temple, I fall face to face with a bunch of journalists. Tohma had made it sure the funeral place remain secret, but leaks are commonplace in the Glitz and Glitter world.

"Look, it's Yuki Eiri!"

Camera flashes blind me and I hide my eyes with my hand.

"Yuki-san, can you say a word about Shindo-san's tragic death?" One of them asks me.

This is so out of place! Unscrupulous pictures, tactless questions… How can they do this in such a terrible moment? Do these people even have a heart? Can't they think of anything but money? There is no word to describe how much all this disgusts me. I'd like to let out my anger. I'd like to let out my pain. But they would be too happy. I can see this coming… _Yuki Eiri's darkest side revealed: read about how he insulted and threatened a journalist_… _Tearful pictures inside!_ _Yuki Eiri crying his eyes out at his lover's funeral_… I certainly don't want to do them that pleasure, so I just have to be strong. I make my way through the crowd, ignoring their questions.

Fortunately enough, my BMW isn't parked that far and I join it within a minute. I just hope they won't chase me. I start the car. In the rear-view mirror, I can see Tohma standing in the temple's doorway and the journalists have got a new target. I feel like a runaway but what the hell?

The sky is as dark as coal, thunder roars and rain is running down the windscreen. I can barely see the road unfolding in front of me but I can't be bothered to use the wipers. I push my foot down the accelerator. I couldn't care less if my car crashes right now. I couldn't care less if I die. I would even be grateful for that. My life has always been punctuated by death, so death would only be the most logical answer to all this mess. And yet… what if living was my nemesis? The punishment for my past mistakes. The burden I have to carry along for having let die the two persons I cherished the most in my life.

I lift my foot of the accelerator and stop the car on the hard shoulder. I don't even pay attention to the angry horns coming from the lorry I've just cut up. My hands tighten on the wheel and my whole body starts to shake. I rest my forehead on the wheel and shout out painfully, tears running down my cheeks. Shuichi… I repeat his name over and over like some desperate mantra. I implore him to come back. I beg him to take my hand. But there's no one but me in the car.

A little while later, I step into the flat, nearly expecting an ecstatic Shuichi to welcome me in a dog costume but the place is desperately quiet. As quiet as the temple. So quiet it gives me goosebumps. I used to enjoy that silence. I used to moan whenever he broke it with his endless chatters and screams. And now I just can't stand it anymore. It oppresses me. It just doesn't feel right anymore. The place seems so cold and empty without him. Just like I am.

I try to convince myself that I will soon enjoy this silence again. That I just need time to get reaccustomed to it. But I just end up wondering how I could have ever been able to live in such a quiet place. I feel like that silence is wrapping its arms around me, preventing me from breathing. I nearly run to the television, gasping for air, and rummage through the pile of videos he left on the ground next to it. Not later than three days ago, I yelled at him telling him he always made a mess of this place and that I couldn't stand anymore seeing Sakuma's ugly face in every room of this flat. He said he was sorry. He always was.

"_I__… I'm sorry, Yuki"_

Damn brat. He would have apologized for living if I had asked him to. He had collected all his Nittle Grasper tapes and put them there into a pile. I'm sure there must be some Bad Luck videos among them. I find one. The Shuichi on the cover smiles at me and my hands tremble when I push the tape into the recorder.

I take the remote control and sit on the sofa, arms around my knees. I even mimic his attitudes now, how sad? I press the "Play" button and his voice fills the room.

"_Good evening Japan! We are Bad Luck! We're gonna play our hearts tonight so__ please give us your love! My name is Shindo! I was picked up by our gentlemanly producer right out of high school… Not like that, you perverts! Ha-Ha-ha!!"_

That laugh… My mouth curls into a smile but that smile vanishes immediately. Damn brat. Does he know how much I already miss him? I have to fight the urge of caressing his hair on the TV screen, kissing his lips… I feel like there is a fur ball caught in my throat. I'm not sure I was prepared to do this already. I close my eyes and concentrate on the music instead.

The lyrics still suck. That would be hypocrite to say, just because he's dead, that he was a lyrics genius. He certainly wasn't. But he wrote them with all his heart. For me. And that makes them the most valuable things I have left in this world. I drink in his words. I drink in every syllable that leaves his mouth.

The entry phone rings, putting an end to that moment of fake fullness. I frown and try to ignore it, but it keeps on ringing. I lazily stand up and make my way to the door.

"Whoever you are, fuck the hell off! I don't want to talk to anybody!" I yell in the entry phone.

"Eiri-san…"

Tohma. I should have known. He will never leave me alone, will he?

"I'm not going to make an exception for you, Seguchi. And there's no need to call me either. I've unplugged the phone and switched off my mobile"

"I know. I've already tried them both a dozen times" Tohma replies calmly.

"Eiri… Please…" Mika's voice is nearly pleading. "You can't stay locked in your flat forever. You need help…"

"Help?" I snap. "Can you tell me what kind of help you would be? Can you erase what happened? Can you make him come back?" My voice cracks despite myself.

"Eiri… I'm begging you…"

"I don't need anybody's help," I cut her off. "I have to deal with this on my own. I am the one who's begging now…" I clench my fit and fight my tears. "And I'm begging the two of you to give it a rest. Leave me alone… Please…"

"Fine" Mika says after a short silence. "Just promise me you'll call us tomorrow" Her voice is trembling.

I sigh and hang up the entry phone.

I come back to the sofa and spend the rest of the day watching that bloody Bad Luck tape. Whenever it ends, I rewind it and watch it again, until I lose track of time. Until I can anticipate any of his gestures. Until I know all the songs by heart. I sneer. I would never have believed I'd know them by heart one day. The fucking punk would be overjoyed if he knew that.

I look at my watch. 1.20am. My whole body aches. I switch off the TV and make my way to the bedroom. I haven't eaten anything today and I feel like a wandering ghost. I lie in the bed and try to stop thinking. In vain.

My life has fallen into darkness again. He was the angel from my nightmares. He was the light that guided my steps out of this mess. He was the little freak who gave sense to my creepy existence. And he was gone. And I have returned to nothingness.

"_Without you, there's nothing. I don't want to lose everything… Not again"_

My own words echo in my head. I couldn't be more true.

I stare at the ceiling. I, Uesugi Eiri, am now scared of the dark again, like my three-years-old self used to be. I close my eyes, hoping his colourful image would come and bright my dreams. But once again, I seem unable to sleep…

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_Thanks for reading! Whether you like this story or not, reviews are always welcome! :) _


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